Angel Wings…

30th November 2015 – another of my special little angels has their wings ❤️

SOMEBODY..

Somebody said it was all for the best, that something was probably wrong…

Somebody said it was meant to be. Different verse, same miserable song…

Somebody said “you can have another” as if that would make it right…

Somebody said “it was not a real child”. Somebody is not very bright…

Somebody thinks it wise to say when grieving should end…

Somebody shows their true colours, somebody is NOT my friend…

But somebody said, “I’m sorry” & sat quietly by my side…

And somebody always listened, even though I didn’t know my baby’s name…

And somebody understood…

… I’ll never be the same

– Author Unknown

  

Life isn’t fair sometimes & right now, life feels rather cruel. Saying goodbye to 3 of my angel babies in 2 months. No mother should have to give her blessings back…

I will write another blog post about this miscarriage soon, explaining this part of My Story. But right now my heart just hurts…
Love Nat xxx

  

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Part Five of My Story – today I’m angry… I’m grieving…

PART FIVE of my story (Read Part One, TwoThree & Four of my story)

My mantra for today.. being female & not being able to have a baby can leave you feeling like you are useless, defect, without purpose. After all, if you go back to the bare basics – women are BUILT to be mothers.. to be able to make babies. And when you can’t or it’s not working, you feel broken. Less of a woman. Not adequate, have no worth.

And even though you might know deep down that’s it a little irrational.. it still hurts.

Today I’m bitter, & I’m angry. I’m angry at this body, for not working. Angry at my ovaries for letting me down. That they know how much I want to be a mum, & they aren’t working. I could actually scream at my ovaries if I could, if I thought they would listen. But I haven’t completely lost my marbles.. yet.

I’m bitter. So very bitter. And it’s not the person I want to be. And i feel so riddled with guilt at the same time. BUT I can’t help it. I’m not the person I was 3 and a half years ago. Infertility has changed me. What began as sadness and frustration has turned into anger and hopelessness. I’m at war with my own body. With society.
Infertility changes you. It creates a hole inside your heart. A gaping hole that starts to eat away at you from the inside. And as much as you try to stuff that hole with other things. Nothing fits. It’s like trying to jam the wrong piece into a jigsaw puzzle.

I find myself bitter (and even angry) at that pregnant woman.. at that mum… at that complete stranger, or even a friend. Does she have any idea just how lucky she is? I try not to stare. I want to tell her. Do you know you have a little miracle in your belly? Please please love that baby. Please.
I’m sorry, but I want to BE you. Its NOT FAIR. And it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that my body is broken. It’s not your fault that I can’t have babies. It’s not your fault that you CAN have babies. It’s not your fault that I feel this way. But I do… because I’m trying SO hard. So very very hard. And it’s not working.

If I’m trying so hard.. doesn’t that mean I’m owed it too? No. Life isn’t fair like that.

But I’m happy for my friends, I’m happy for the lady in the supermarket, I’m happy for that mum. BUT I’m SO sad for me. You are a walking, talking, constant beacon of reminder. Screaming in my face that I’m broken. I’m not enough. I’m not a woman.. I’m not a mum.

Dear pregnant woman.. mums.. my friends… society (what infertility feels like):

I have to give myself a cocktail of medication every day, every month. You don’t. Morning sickness? I have it too. Every day, every month… without a baby, without being pregnant. I have to spend my days horribly sick from the side effects, in a society that doesn’t understand or acknowledge how much they knock you down, mess your head about. Send you on a hormonal rage. You don’t.

I have had to spend THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of dollars for a chance to just TRY for a baby. Month after month. You didn’t. I could have put a deposit on a house by now. I could have travelled the WORLD for 6 months by now. Instead it’s spent on trying to conceive. Trying. I never went on a honeymoon – we paid for IVF instead. We haven’t had a holiday in nearly 4 years – we paid for IVF instead. It should be FREE!! Conceiving a child should be free. But for me, it’s thousands upon thousands on dollars. I’m scared because ultimately I will have to stop trying… simply because of finances. Because I can’t afford it anymore. That it will reach a point in which I won’t have any money to support a child, because I spent it all on trying to make them.

I’m tired. So tired. Emotionally & physically drained. I haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night in years. The medication keeps me awake, the stress keeps me awake.

And you’re awake too, because you have a baby that doesn’t sleep. People empathize with how tired you are. You get to tell people how exhausting it is. I can’t. Society doesn’t accept I’m tired too. I’m not a mum. You look at me when I say I’m tired too, with one eyebrow cocked… how dare I say I’m tired… don’t I see your newborn?! Yes I do.

IF I do fall pregnant I know I won’t sleep again for years either. But did you get to sleep before you conceived? I didn’t, I don’t. By the time baby comes (IF ever) I have years of already not sleeping under my belt. Good practice? No.

Today I’m bitter. I’m angry. I’m not telling you off. It’s not your fault. I have a reason.. for today, I’m miscarrying. Again. Another set of twins. My angel babies are in heaven & in my heart. I now have 8 angel babies in heaven, instead of in my arms.

They matter. They make me a mum. I am allowed to be angry today. I’m grieving. And I needed to let it out. I need to say it. In all its rawness. As tears stream down my face. Because it’s all I can do to let it out. In a society where infertility and miscarriage are talked about in whispers. Why?! It’s ok to talk about it! We should talk about it. Maybe if we did, then we wouldn’t be so angry. So bitter.

Everyone keeps telling me I can just get pregnant again & have another baby…

but I wanted THAT pregnancy. I wanted that baby.

Please do not tell people it wasn’t meant to be – my baby was important, just like yours.

Don’t tell people it’s “Gods Will” that’s so very cruel. Think about it.

Please please give your friend a hug.  Bring coffee, bake a cake. Chocolate is always good 🙂 If someone you know is struggling to have a baby, just be there. If someone lost a baby, let them grieve. Let them know they DO matter. They are still valuable. They have worth. With or without a baby, we are still women.

When women support each other, incredible things happen

Be kind to yourself if it’s you. Infertility hurts, it’s THE hardest thing I have ever done. I hope it’s the hardest thing I will ever have to do. And I do not wish it upon anyone.

And today I say goodbye to my babies, a silent whisper in a quiet room. I will always love you, I will always remember. My babies you will always be.

I have to try again. Tomorrow I have to find the strength, the courage to try this again. It’s all I can do. I want to be a mum. And even thought I’m angry and I’m bitter and I’m drowning in the darkness sometimes… I want to be like you. I want to be a mum. I aspire to be you.



October is Infant & Pregnancy loss awareness month. Break the silence, share your story. We are mums, our babies have wings.

Love Nat xxx

Part Three of My Story… in my little cocoon & NK cells (Natural Killer Cells)

PART THREE of my story (Read Part One & Two of my story)

I’ve tried to write this blog post about 599 times, but I just can’t find the words and I’ve been enclosed in my cocoon. I’m exhausted, physically & emotionally. But I feel it’s important to share my infertility story.. not just an outlet for me to express how I feel, but also to give some comfort to others who are on the same journey.. and insight to those who so fortunate to not be.

My last blog post I wrote in a moment of grief after another miscarriage. A way of me mourning the little ones I had lost. Since then I have unfortunately suffered another miscarriage, and a few failed cycles.

PART ONE – I want to be a mum

PART TWO – it hurts because it mattered

This is PART THREE…

We have been trying to conceive now for almost 3.5 years.. with my wedding anniversary looming and a new year, and my birthday.. I start to feel bitter sweet. We celebrate our wedding anniversary but we also mourn the loss of our babies, and another year with empty arms.

I have retreated into my own little cocoon (as my hubby calls it). It’s safe here, the world feels so cruel at the moment, and I think I am trying to protect myself from more grief. Totally emerged in my own cocoon, where I crochet and visit my specialist and watch my cycle.

Since I continue to miscarry and have been trying to conceive for years now, my doctor and I decided to do a biopsy of my uterus last weekend. We tested for Natural Killer Cells (NK Cells).

The biopsy wasn’t much fun, it’s done at the IVF specialists offices, in the chair with your legs in stirrups. Much like a Pap smear, a straw like device is inserted into the uterus, they scrape away some tissue lining, and use a suction device to remove it. Although extremely intrusive, embarrassing and painful, it’s over quick. It feels like very strong, sharp period cramping. But I would do it ten times over, every single day if it helps my chances of conceiving.

My test results came back positive. Extremely high, for NK cells. And, as funny as it sounds, I’m so happy.

I’m so happy it’s another answer, another step forward, a chance at treatment. I’m sad that it wasn’t tested and detected earlier. Unfortunately it’s something they don’t test until you have either had multiple miscarriages or failed attempts at IVF. Only 10% of women have these NK cells, and I am within get the top 1% percentile.

What are NK cells?

Now let me first say, I am NOT a doctor. This is just my understanding of NK cells, and what has been happening with my body. From what I understand. Please always do your own research and speak to your specialist/obgyn.

Everyone has Natural Killer Cells, they are part of your immune system, and what attacks the germs and bugs. When you’re sick, these NK cells attack the germs and help you to get better quicker or stop you from getting sick.

Now normally, when you fall pregnant, your body first sees the embryo (or when you’re ovulating, the sperm) as foreign bodies. And your NK cells go to attack. BUT normally, your body then tells the NK cells that the sperm, or the embryo are ok, and to let them be. And your embryo grows into your beautiful baby.

MY NK cells are overactive, I have too many and they are very aggressive. So what is happening is when either the sperm goes to fertilize and egg, OR when an egg has been fertilized and implants as an embryo my NK cells keep attacking. They either don’t get the message to not attack, or are so over active that the message is lost. And so they attack the little embryo, destroying it, and I miscarry.

It’s quite a horrible and sad way to think about it, that my body is attacking this little life every time. And part of me felt like, the odds are now stacked against me. That even my own body doesn’t want me to have a baby, that maybe I shouldn’t be a mum. But I need to silence that little voice in my head, because I can’t believe my body is thinking like that. It’s just my immune system.

Normally an overactive immune system probably isn’t such a bad thing, and if I wasn’t trying to conceive it would never have been detected and most probably never impacted on my life. I rarely get sick, and when I do, I get better quickly. I thought I was just fortunate, but it’s these NK cells. And they are not helping me conceive.

So now what happens?

I need to break down my immune system. This is done by taking (yet another) injection everyday. A cocktail of hormones and steroids, designed to break down and slow down my immune system so it doesn’t attack the embryos.

If you would like more information, please google “the Bondi protocol” a still experimental treatment, in Australia for NK cells.

The downside of this treatment, there are some horrible side effects… including insomnia (bad insomnia, days on end of no sleep) but I get that from the IVF injections too. Weight gain, and fluid retention. Plus these injections are rather more painful.

Plus, the treatment will break down ALL my NK cells, which means my normal defense system will be down. I will be able to contract colds and bugs a lot more easier. I will have to be careful.

I start this treatment next week, for those who would like to know what it is like, you can contact me 🙂

I will need to continue with this treatment not only until I fall pregnant, but the whole first trimester and possibly until I give birth. As we can’t let these NK cells come back and attack whilst I’m pregnant.

Like i said, I’m not a doctor, and this is only my limited understanding of how NK cells are effecting my infertility. My recommendation is that if you have had multiple miscarriages, or repeated failed attempts at IVF, please please speak to your specialist and ask (push) for a biopsy test. It’s not fun, but it’s worth it.

For me, this is a small victory, a little step forward. A little bit of renewed (almost completely lost) hope.. that maybe… this will make a difference. BUT I cannot let myself get too carried away.. I know it’s just another layer we have peeled away. I need to prepare myself just in case there are more. But I am hopeful. And I start again, more injections, more tests and scans.. more waiting… and a tiny little sparkle of more hope. I want to be a mum.

Love Nat xxx

There is no “at least” in child loss… None.

Ps. In my experience, it hurts to say to someone who had miscarried (especially several times) AT LEAST you got pregnant.. for me, it hurts because i continue to loose a baby. it’s not just a loss of a baby either.. it’s a loss of a 2 year old, a 10 year old.. a 16 year old. It’s a loss of a life. And it gave you hope. I would rather not get pregnant at all, then continue to loose my baby.

Part Two of My Story… it hurts because it mattered…


Continued from Part one – i want to be a mum…

Why am I writing this? I’m not sure. It’s 4am and I’m still awake.. because I need to write it down. Maybe then I’ll sleep. Even if nobody reads it. Even if it helps just one other person explain how they feel, when words fail them.

But mainly because it mattered and I need it to be out there in the world somewhere, because if I don’t say anything, it will be like it never happened. But it did happen. And it mattered. It mattered to me.

Today my heart dropped, it shattered. But it’s happened before. And I thought I had patched it back up, but it’s so fragile, it can shatter again.

Today I lost a baby. I lost 2 babies. Twins. I didn’t know them long, I only had the chance to carry them for a moment. But that’s all it took, one moment and now I’ll carry them for a lifetime in my heart. They are learning to fly now, holding hands as their little wings carry them away. I wish they could stay with me, safe in my arms instead. But I have to let them go, they are too special to stay here with me. I’m happy they have each other, that they aren’t going alone.

I got to see them on the monitor, as tiny as they were. For almost 40 days I had with them, the longest I’ve had so far. I imagined and dreamed about these babies, I let myself fall in love with them. I imagined myself getting bigger as they grew in my belly. I imagined placing my husbands hand on my belly to feel his babies kick. I wondered who they would be and what they would do. But now it’s 4am and I’m still awake, and I’m curled up in pain. Not just pain in my heart, but the physical pain as my uterus twists and cramps and I bleed.

It’s not punishment enough that I cannot have children. No. I have to feel their lives leave my body too, I have to see it. The loss of little lives, I for a brief moment carried. My babies, I’ll never meet.

I need to grieve and repair my heart, I need to get ready so I can do this all again. I don’t have much time before I need to puncture my skin with a barricade of more injections as I prepare to try for another child. But I need more time. They mattered, they should be grieved. But no one knows, they aren’t recognized. There is no ceremony, no farewell. But only my whispers in the dark as I say my goodbyes.

Why. It’s not fair. I’ll never know the answer. I wish I did. Will I be ok? I know I will… eventually. I have to be, I can’t let the darkness consume me. I need to keep fighting. But I know I will never be the same again. I’m not the same person i was before infertility. I’ve changed. Part of my heart will never repair, it will always be heavy. But I don’t want to forget, they are my angel babies. They mattered. They mattered to me.

infertility is a loss.. and like any loss, it will be grieved

i want to be a mum.. my infertility and IVF story…

It will all be ok in the end… If it’s not okay, it’s not the end

What do you want to be when you grow up?  I wanted to be a mum!! Not a teacher, or a vet, or a zoo keeper… i wanted to be a mum.

I always had painful periods, i would miss school or work, unable to get out of bed.  I would be in so much pain i would be physically ill.  I had a few cysts when I was 15 or 16 years old, doctors said that i was just prone to them, and that i had heavier periods than others.  Take some nurofen, stay in bed, you will be ok.

At around 19 years old, i had enough.  Other girls didn’t spend 5 or 6 days in bed a month!! Having their period didn’t mean they couldn’t leave the house.. this wasn’t normal.  So i went back to the gynaecologist.  He told me it wasn’t normal, so he did a laparoscopy, and i was diagnosed with endometriosis.  He told me i might have problems trying to have a baby, but not to worry.  Some women have endometriosis and it doesn’t affect them having babies.  I was young, i didn’t worry.. i wasn’t planning on having a family now, no way.  I would have a baby when i was “old” (in my mid 20s – old haha).  So i carried on, knowing now that at least there was a reason for the pain every month and the heavy periods, that it was the endometriosis.. i was ok, i just had this condition.

25 years old, had enough, AGAIN.  It seemed to be getting worse, now my period would be anywhere from 7-9 days long.  And VERY painful.  Then it seemed i was getting my period every 2 weeks!! That isn’t right… so i went back to the doctor.  More tests, more surgery.. “You have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) as well as the endometriosis, which has gotten worse” the doctor said, “and you may have problems trying to conceive, but we wont know until you start trying.. and don’t worry, its common.. lots of women have babies with PCOS and/or endometrosis.”

Least you have an excuse for the painful periods now, i thought, and the extra weight gain, the more frequent than usual waxing, and the out of control PMS… there is nothing that can be done, but don’t worry, you want to be a mum, you will have kids.

At 26 my boyfriend of 10 years (high school sweethearts, aww) proposed.  We were going to get married!! And that meant, i was going to be a MUM!! FINALLY!! I always wanted to be a mum.  I think i was most excited about that, my life long dream, being a mum.. at the back of my head there was a little voice telling me, its not going to be easy for you… i told my fiance that, and he said “nooooo, we going to have family!! You always wanted to be a mum, you will be a wonderful mum.” I was.

So i went back to the doctor, we talked about stopping my contraception.  We wanted to make sure all my medication was out of my system, so that when i got married we can start trying for a baby.   I was going to have a honeymoon baby, no time to spare!!!! Im going to be a mum, i want 3 or 4 kids (at least!!).

About 6 months before we got married, i couldn’t wait. We were going to get married… so lets start trying now. No harm, we been together 11 years now… so we did.  Nothing happened.  Thats ok, we getting married, its just nerves, its the pill still in my system. We are going to get married, and i am going to get pregnant on my honeymoon, and i am going to be a mum.  I am going to be such a wonderful mum too!!!

Fast forward… I am now 31 years old, going on 32 and i am not a mum.  I have my angel babies, that i carry it my heart.  But no baby to carry in my arms. We have been trying to conceive a baby for 3 years.  I am infertile.  My PCOS means I do not ovulate, at all.  So an egg is never released for the sperm to fertilise.  My eggs turn to cysts, they are painful, sometimes they have to be removed with surgery.  For years i have been doing fertility treatment, IVF, to help conceive my baby… i inject myself daily into my stomach with hormones that help me to ovulate, and to make “good eggs” to be fertilised.  I have had countless surgeries, invasive and embarrassing procedures and exams.  I go to see my doctor every 3 days.. and my IVF doctor is located in a maternity hospital… surrounded by new mums, babies, happy families, flowers and visitors.  Its a happy place, where babies come into the world… i go because i cannot have a baby.  I am infertile, barren.

Its hard, it hurts.  Every month i grieve the loss of my child, my baby.  I grieve the loss of presumed future, my hopes of being a mum, my aspirations.  And every month i try again.  I grasp for hope, that this month, this time, I am going to hear those magical words… “congratulations, you are having a baby!!!” but instead i hear “i’m sorry”.

The hormones are horrible.  The injections sting, sometimes i bleed.  My stomach is a mine field of bruises and puncture marks that are permanently tattooed on my skin.  I have put on a lot of weight and i feel sick constantly.  I don’t sleep more than 4-5 hours per night, and when i do, i have nightmares.  And i over heat, i am always hot. My emotions are off the charts… its like having horrible PMS x 100… my husband walks on eggshells.   Then there are the progesterone injections, the second injection i give myself, towards the end of the month, a needle i inject into my thigh.. it hurts. This injection mimics pregnancy symptoms, right down to the morning sickness, swollen breasts AND it makes home pregnancy tests positive.

An insight into infertility…

Your heart skips a beat.  Those two lines come up… it says you are pregnant. “Am i? Could it be?” you ask yourself, even though you know its the injections… but maybe its not.. maybe you REALLY are pregnant… maybe, just maybe, it worked!!  You call your doctor, he says to come in for a blood test… you get a little spark of hope… maybe you are pregnant… you wait… you hope… you dream.  The phone rings, its your doctor… “i’m sorry”

You shatter inside.  You get so angry at yourself!! Why did you get your hopes up?   You knew it was the injection… but… you were SURE this time. You were so sure, this time it was different.. you felt different. You were dreaming of throwing those needles in the bin!! Of no more doctors exams, ultrasounds, blood tests, surgeries, hospital stays… of getting to call your parents, of telling them they were going to be grandparents!!  BUT you’re not pregnant, you can’t throw away the injections, you need them.  Because you got to do this ALL again.. another month… another month… more injections, more hospital, more embarrassment, more heartbreak.

And then your phone rings… its your friend… she has some news!! She is having a baby!! She doesn’t know how it happened, they weren’t trying… but shes pregnant!! She feels so sick.. its horrible being pregnant. I should be lucky i cant have kids and don’t have to go through it.. im lucky.  And you try so hard to be a good friend, you try to not burst into tears and scream ITS NOT FAIR.  You want to be happy for her!!! She’s having a baby!! Shes going to have a baby shower, and her belly is going to get big, and she’s going to have a nursery.. and she shows you ultrasound photos, and tells you about all the horrible things that happen when you are pregnant… how sick you feel.. that you can’t imagine what that is like.  You tell yourself that you are a horrible friend for being jealous, that you are selfish and you aren’t being supportive.  But its not fair… you want to be a mum, that was supposed to be you.  Your baby shower, your nursery, your ultrasound photos..

Suddenly the whole world is pregnant… there are babies EVERYWHERE.   Families, prams, baby shops.. they all popped up over night.   TV commercials are all about nappies and prenatal vitamins.. all the shows you watch, someone is pregnant.. they are glowing.. they are holding their newborn baby in their arms while soft music plays in the background and they are happy!!

Your social media explodes with photos of babies.. of captions about how their lives are complete now that they are a mum.  How they have never felt a love like this.  There are baby bumps, and complaints about being tired and pregnancy symptoms.. countdowns of how many weeks to go… there are mums complaining about their children, how they have done something naughty, how hard it is being a mum.. joking about if anyone wants them…

You get angry, you get jealous.  Babies are a miracle, they are a blessing!! How can you complain? ITS NOT FAIR!! And you want to post baby photos, you want to do exactly what they are doing.. you want it so bad.

You aren’t part of the club anymore… all of your friends have babies, some of them have had two or three, all within the space you have been trying.  You cant join in the conversation, you don’t belong.. you cant share stories and advice.. youre not a mum, you don’t understand.

You watch your husband with your friends babies.. you see the way he looks at them.  You heart aches when you see him holding them.  You are his wife, you are supposed to give him a baby!!!!! He doesn’t say anything, he has been so supportive… but you see the hurt, you see the longing.  He isn’t part of the dad club either… but he can be… he has nothing wrong, its ALL your fault… YOU cant give him a baby.

Infertility IS HARD. It hurts. Its painful and it changes your life. It is ALWAYS on your mind and impacts on every aspect of your life. It’s a full time job, it’s exhausting and an emotional roller coaster. But It is NOTHING to be ashamed of.  It is NOT your fault.  You are still a woman, you still have worth. It is an invisible illness.

We are all a little broken and damaged, and we aren’t quite fixed yet.

A lot of us have gone through hell, but you know what? We came back. We came back stronger.

You know why?

Because we are WARRIORS, and warriors fight!!

1 in 10 people suffer from infertility… there is a chance there is someone you know who is unable to have a child.  Who is going through all or some of this every day.  It might be someone very close to you, it might be you.

What NOT to do..

DO NOT tell them to relax and they will get pregnant.  Relaxing will not give someone a baby.

DO NOT tell them stories about a friend of a friend who did this or that… that is their story.. everyone is different, it will not soothe or give them hope.  It just makes them frustrated.

DO NOT say you can “just adopt”… adoption is a personal choice, and it is not black and white.  There is no baby shop where you can pop in and purchase a baby.

DO NOT offer your child instead

DO NOT complain about your own children, about how horrible it is being a mother, OR about your own pregnancy.  Keep those conversations for your other friends.

DO NOT ask when someone is going to start trying for a baby, they might be already, they may be struggling with infertility.  This question can be very painful, do not ask, unless you are willing to be there to listen in case the answer is that they cant.

DO NOT hide your pregnancy from them or not tell them you are pregnant… this hurts more. and can make them feel even MORE isolated then they already feel. 

So what CAN you do to help?  Listen.  Be a shoulder to cry on.  You don’t need to offer advice.  Chances are, they have tried it.  They have read all the books, searched google for hours.  They have stood upside down on their heads, and taken all the herbal remedies.  They have talked to the doctors, and had the tests.  They know.  But sometimes they just need to talk, to cry.  And all you need to say is “i am sorry you are going through this, i am here for you”. 

Understand that there will be days when they don’t feel like doing anything, or going anywhere. It’s exhausting. Plans might need to be cancelled last minute due to a sudden sickness or anxiety. Understand that they might not feel comfortable attending your baby shower, and offer an “out”. Do not exclude them or not invite them though!! Please don’t make the decision for them. Baby showers, kids birthdays and special occasions are very hard. Mothers Day is horrible.

Infertility can make you feel so alone and isolated, and sometimes all you need is a friendly smile, and a reminder that you are not invisible. That you still matter, and that you haven’t been forgotten.

I hope my story gives some inspiration and insight for people who may be going through something similar.  And to raise awareness to others about how hard infertility can be.  We need to break the silence.  Infertility is not a bad word, it is ok to talk about it.

I am a mum, i have angel babies.. babies that were too special for this earth.  I’ve had countless operations to remove cysts and legions. My period leaves me in agony, unable to get out of bed or carry out the most basic of tasks, and still comes every 2-3 weeks. Every day i hope.. i still dream… i wonder if our baby will have brown eyes like me, or green eyes like their dad… i dream of sleepless nights, of comforting my child in my arms, of hearing them cry. Of watching them explore.  Their first steps, their first words… of hearing them say “mummy”… i dream.  AND i grieve.. every month and every day.  I cry and i grieve and i keep trying.

And i crochet, and i smile 🙂

Love Nat xxx