Continued from Part one – i want to be a mum…
Why am I writing this? I’m not sure. It’s 4am and I’m still awake.. because I need to write it down. Maybe then I’ll sleep. Even if nobody reads it. Even if it helps just one other person explain how they feel, when words fail them.
But mainly because it mattered and I need it to be out there in the world somewhere, because if I don’t say anything, it will be like it never happened. But it did happen. And it mattered. It mattered to me.
Today my heart dropped, it shattered. But it’s happened before. And I thought I had patched it back up, but it’s so fragile, it can shatter again.
Today I lost a baby. I lost 2 babies. Twins. I didn’t know them long, I only had the chance to carry them for a moment. But that’s all it took, one moment and now I’ll carry them for a lifetime in my heart. They are learning to fly now, holding hands as their little wings carry them away. I wish they could stay with me, safe in my arms instead. But I have to let them go, they are too special to stay here with me. I’m happy they have each other, that they aren’t going alone.
I got to see them on the monitor, as tiny as they were. For almost 40 days I had with them, the longest I’ve had so far. I imagined and dreamed about these babies, I let myself fall in love with them. I imagined myself getting bigger as they grew in my belly. I imagined placing my husbands hand on my belly to feel his babies kick. I wondered who they would be and what they would do. But now it’s 4am and I’m still awake, and I’m curled up in pain. Not just pain in my heart, but the physical pain as my uterus twists and cramps and I bleed.
It’s not punishment enough that I cannot have children. No. I have to feel their lives leave my body too, I have to see it. The loss of little lives, I for a brief moment carried. My babies, I’ll never meet.
I need to grieve and repair my heart, I need to get ready so I can do this all again. I don’t have much time before I need to puncture my skin with a barricade of more injections as I prepare to try for another child. But I need more time. They mattered, they should be grieved. But no one knows, they aren’t recognized. There is no ceremony, no farewell. But only my whispers in the dark as I say my goodbyes.
Why. It’s not fair. I’ll never know the answer. I wish I did. Will I be ok? I know I will… eventually. I have to be, I can’t let the darkness consume me. I need to keep fighting. But I know I will never be the same again. I’m not the same person i was before infertility. I’ve changed. Part of my heart will never repair, it will always be heavy. But I don’t want to forget, they are my angel babies. They mattered. They mattered to me.
infertility is a loss.. and like any loss, it will be grieved